But She Smiled.

She Said No.
So by all means,
Wrestle her to the ground,
Pin her arms by her head,
Sink your hip into her.
So what if she’s crying & screaming:
“No!”, “Help!”, “Please, don’t…”
So what if she’s beyond terrified?
The look in her eyes speaks of her thrill
(That’s Right).
Her thrashing about,
Hitting & fighting’s got nothing on your strength.
She wants it; she just doesn’t know it yet.

She said No.
Yet she chose her short, low cut, form fitting dress
Her hair & face done up nice
Heels lengthening her long, gorgeous legs
Up into the skies.
It was all meant to catch your eyes,
Turn your head,
& draw your attention.
(What else could it be?)

Yet, she said No.
Ignored your catcalls & inviting words of:
“Hey, baby”, “sexy”, “mama”
Along with descriptions
Of what you could & would like to do to her.
(You’ll rock her world
That’s what you’ll do).
You follow her down the street,
You know you’re getting to her,
As she quickens her pace,
Hurrying away.

She said No.
Made you look like a fool
Telling you to “Fuck Off.”
“Leave me alone.”
When all you did was ask her to smile;
She’s got a pretty face.
Oh, what a mouth she’s got on her.
Clearly, again, trying to draw you in
With that mix of annoyance & anger
Plastered on her face.
You smile – she’s won.
Hooking you as she walks off.

She said No.
Clearly uninterested in your advances.
Hurting your pride & ego.
Who does she think she is?
It’s just a number.
How dare she refuse –
“Dumb cunt, stuck up bitch”.
Oh, she heard you? Good.
You will not be humiliated.

She said No.
Politely declining to give out her number
Yet you ask a 2nd & a 3rd time
Even sliding your phone over
Expecting her to change her mind.

See,
It all started some days ago
With a handshake & hello.
Maybe even a smile.
Assisting you with your job,
“Thank you” & “Goodbye”.
Politeness & kindness.
(She was obviously interested then –
Why else would she hold the door open,
& wave goodbye?)

You entered the building & saw her,
You don’t know her name
If she’s taken or available
Nor her interests or age.
But she greets you with a smile.
And then, she said,
“No.”

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Stagnation

I imagine the perfect job is 1 where you wake up & look forward to another day of it. 1 where you don’t even realize you’re working but maybe having so much fun that getting paid is just an added bonus – do YOU have such a job?

I Don’t.

 In a world where you’re fresh out of school with a degree but lack the 3-50 years of “required experience”, I’m grateful to have a job. But that’s all it is – a job. 8 tortured hours of my life, 5 days a week, overworked & underpaid. Every quarterly meeting brings yet more duties but never the hope of a raise. Any mention of a raise is always addressed the same – “Oh, well for the umpteenth time in a row, we didn’t get anything from the state/budget…” etc. That’s guaranteed. Yup, every meeting brings about more (senseless) restrictions, no incentives & the monotone, “Thank you for all you do.”

I’m clearly annoyed, but still do the best I can. I’m not 1 who expects a promotion handed to me for showing up. Ask anyone – I’m a “model employee”.  Yet, model employee stated interest to upper administration about moving up, was promised (what turned into) empty words & got screwed over (2-3 times).

Yet, they “don’t want to lose me” because “I’m such a good employee. Never heard a complaint against me – only good things.” Yet, I’m treated like the bottom, nonexistent rung on the ladder (along with fellow coworkers) because the actual bottom rung is treated & paid better. Yet, I’m still here.

I’m even working under the company’s ideal role model employee. This supervisor has been with the corporation for 10+ years & is the laziest waste of oxygen I’ve ever worked with. No sense of professionalism or common discretion. Talks of teamwork but only participates when forced to. Openly sleeps & grunts through all those quarterly meetings, lies to your face & on paper to cover own self. Management refers to this manager as a “mentor” & “great leader”. & it’s through this exemplified individual that I’ve witnessed the benefits of brown-nosing & befriending the big ones in charge; it pays, literally & figuratively, to have them in your pockets.

Anyway, (of course) I’m looking elsewhere for jobs (but that’s another post/rant of its own). I find it hilariously sad that my husband & I both work full-time, above minimum wage jobs yet once bills are paid, next to or absolutely nothing remains. Yup, it’s a paycheck to paycheck life. Is this (or worst) the life of an average working person these days? Heck, we’re still in our 20s!

The future though is unknown. It is what we make it & all that blah. I hope we find jobs that we adore with the paychecks being the cherry on top. Matter of fact, since we spend 40hrs/week working, it’ll be nice to not dread the job. To not get nauseous & feel disgusted at the thought of it. It turns into a 2nd home & is technically an extension of ourselves so it’ll be nice to feel worthwhile at it & (maybe even) have it be worthwhile.

“Package in the Terminal!”

Flying has always been a wonderful experience for me; an escape high up in the sky, surrounded by clouds. The sunrises & sunsets are so extremely beautiful, an ethereal beauty. I’ve always felt safest traveling via airplane. No traffic, honking, or manic drivers with road rage. Heck, I even enjoy the food! But in light of recent events (EgyptAir & others) I’m feeling disappointed & (a little) uncomfortable with airway travel.

Of course, it’s not with the airlines or airports but the fact that people exist with such malice & hate in their minds to commit acts of terror. I find it disgusting that they’re sitting about plotting up new ways to get pass security & onto aircrafts to blow up said vessel containing innocent lives on-board. An enclosed metal box where people are vulnerable, secured by a seat belt & nothing more.

I’m also annoyed that when terroristic acts are confirmed (or attempted but thankfully busted), news channels feel the need to dissect it to the nationwide audience. Trust me, just like I’m sitting around with my family finding out why a soap bomb or whatever failed so are the people who are making them & planning such attacks. So is it really important then to get into great nitpicky details to EVERYONE? Or expose all our new & upcoming approaches to ensuring safety? I remember 1 particular instance a few years ago when full-body scanners were coming to airports. I don’t recall the channel but remember the reporters sitting around brainstorming ways that would make it be possible to sneak bombs through them without being detected. Was that really necessary?! I feel it’s an important conversation to be had amongst those who would be enacting it not a spotlight discussion to anyone who can tune in & listen.

This takes me into the annoyance of passengers & sometimes workers in airports. New technology is there for our safety, & if that means I’m required to take off a belt, stud earring or shoes, then so be it. There are enough notifications, since 9/11 especially, to be prepared to do those things so getting annoyed & temperamental with the TSA does no one any good. I would willingly (& patiently) spend extra time waiting for someone (or myself) to be checked or unbuckling a shoe strap instead of running through the checkpoints & having something devastating happen later because something was slipped passed security. Also, on that note, I think airport security officials should do their jobs attentively & seriously with each & every individual – heck, should probably start checking individuals even before they enter the airport, in general. I personally would not mind. I’d rather be safe than sorry.

I have always enjoyed airports & aircraft travel (I’ve toyed with the idea of becoming a flight attendant many times). All this madness occurring every few months upsets & angers me but will not stop me. I just feel we all need to be smart, alert of our surroundings (in an airport or not because that’s what times are resulting in) & continually working towards enhanced safety & protective measures because those with nasty intentions are constantly on top of finding different ways to strike terror in our minds & hearts. They attempt a tragedy to divide a nation & people, create hate so everyone is caught up pointing fingers because of race & religion & through that alienation they recruit the outcasts, spewing more hate.

We also shouldn’t be waiting until disaster strikes or leaked through a grapevine to heighten up our security & safety measures. We should be on point at all times. Because when something like EgyptAir Flight 804 (Bomb? Mechanical? Meteor?) or the Paris attacks or 9/11 occurs, we’re all on high alert for an amount of time until we get comfortable & relax … & that’s when we’re weak. It takes cooperation, open minds, acceptance to maintain a united front. We’re so caught up in division & hate is easy to create.

Flab to Fab

The mere idea of exercising wears me out. Is that possible or even logical? Don’t get me wrong – I’m all for being fit & healthy. I dream of 1 day having a tight, toned ‘bod’ just like I dream of someday being a model. My biggest pitfall though? I like food. A LOT.

My husband used to joke that when it comes to food, I could eat a small village. I’m envied for a “fast metabolism” but I’m well aware that with age, my eating habits will catch up to me. I dread it honestly. I dread it so much that I actually force myself to get into a routine of working out on/off (been on again since March 1st). Of course, that’s the main thing people act oblivious towards.

Yes, I can put away a lot of food. Yes, I eat a lot. But I’m not tiny because it’s how I am. I’m the size I am because I DO exercise.

Now, I will never be an active gym member (personally it’ll be a waste on finances making me feel like I HAVE TO work out because I’m paying, thus turning into a chore = Ick!) but I do exercise in the privacy of my home, on my own time, whenever I feel inspired, motivated, or completely out-of-shape. Trigger signals (listed below) prompts me to do a squat or onto the ground for a plank pose.

  • Watching the VS Fashion Show (wannabe model inspiration)
  • Face breaking out? (Perhaps had 1 too many cookies…)
  • In a foul mood &/or feeling overly sluggish? (Fat.)
  • Clothes tight or snug fitting? (Fat!)
  • Sometimes you just need a good sweat (you know, like a good cry?)

I work out because I’ve recently realized that diet & exercise go hand in hand.

Realistically, I know I’ll never be the kind of gal who’ll pass on something sweet or a certain type of food. I may never be a model (5’2” is a discouraging height) but getting in shape & feeling good is definitely important to me – boosts my mood & self-esteem (personal achievement). I’ll never calorie count (hate math & too much work) but I moderate myself & eat what I want when I want, even overindulging once in a while because treating myself is delightful.

I attempt to eat properly. According to my husband, I eat some “weird shit sometimes”. Recently, I’ve gotten into egg & cucumber sandwiches so yes, I have strange eating habits too but I try to make them healthy whenever I can as much as I can.

Exercising is boring. In order for me to work out, it has to be fun. I look up YouTube videos & try from Cardio HIIT routines to simple yoga. Sometimes I’m in an odd mood where I just turn up the radio & dance (jump around like a fat walrus) to 5 songs or so. Another reason I don’t need that gym membership is because I know my problem areas, what holds my attention (routine-wise), what I like (kickboxing) & dislike (Pilates) so I keep myself on point when dedicated & focused.

The takeaway point though is that whatever kind of body I have I achieve through working for it (whether that’s through sweating or stuffing my face). It’s neither easy nor a one-time or overnight transformation. I complain (mainly because I’m good at it) when I feel heavy, or feel I’ve been working out for a good span of time yet see no progress. I do the work though, as pointless as it sometimes feels, I do what it takes to (hopefully) go from flab to fab.

What’s the Word?

Earlier in the week, I came across a Buzzfeed article titled, “28 Beautiful Words The English Language Should Steal”. I enjoyed it a lot, words for situations we don’t have words for in the English tongue. Of course, I had no idea how to pronounce some of those vocabulary but it was interesting nonetheless. Though there were a few that described me, it was post 9’s terminology that greatly appealed to me.

“MERAKI
(v) to do something with soul, creativity, or love;
when you leave a piece of yourself in your work.”

I loved it so much that I considered using it in some kind of way for the official name of this blog. Obviously, it didn’t come to fruition but this entry is dedicated to it. Why? Because it’s exactly why this blog even exists in the whole.

Meraki.

I’m putting my all into the words that are coming together to form the sentences on here. I’m here in my work. Granted, I’ve lost a part of myself somewhere along the years … I’ve had 2 people tell me last week that I need to have faith in myself &/or believe in myself. My husband & a young woman who’s so close to me she’s practically my sister from another mother. Individuals who don’t know each other but who both know me very well. I know it’s true too. Somehow, somewhere along the way I lost my confidence, faith & just the essence of who I am.

It is something I am currently struggling with. To find it all again. To believe in myself. I haven’t quite mastered the right sequence of events to recapture it just yet nor do I know what order of events will enable me to do that. All I know is that a mix of anxiety, panic attacks & depression can really mess an individual up. Everyday is a constant battle. A fight against yourself. I think it might be the most difficult struggle a person can endure because it takes a toll in some way & form no matter what.

All of that evaporates though when I’m wrapped up doing something I’m passionate about. Meraki. Whether it’s creating an abstract drawing, getting swept up in a good book, watching a show/movie, or walking around Central Park & getting enthralled by nature … Life has its fascinations. Its moments of pure delight, amazement, escape. Indulging in a bite of food my husband makes, feeling the softness of my golden snuggled next to me, seeing gratitude in the eyes of another soul who can’t speak or communicate as easily as everyone else, or coming across a random photo that captured the proudness & pride on the face of a belated grandfather at his granddaughter’s college graduation. Off the top of my head, these are what comes to mind when I think about meraki. Writing is that just as well.

Perhaps through this project, I just might find all or some of what I lack & what I’ve had taken from me from life’s not-so-nice circumstances. I have hope that I might through writing these words & that’s a start since hope is something I lack most often than not. Where there’s hope, anything is possible, right? So hope is a good starting place. It paves the path for growth, positivity, possibilities, infinity.

Meraki.

Famous Author?

I like writing. Documenting my life. Good & bad. Because my memory is awful. But writing, though it may be biased since it’s based on the writer’s opinion & his or her’s life-colored glasses, is real. Writing makes life real. Like pictures. It all exists because it’s captured in either words or images. So if nothing else exists, those captured moments of words &/or pictures exist.

Anyone can write. How many people out there would like to have a published book of some sort out there in their lifetime? I do. I would like that very much. Whether it’s of me over-dramatizing my life or a picture book or heck, recently I’ve been contemplating doing a children’s book. Yup, a children’s book. Why? Because heck, I can’t finish a project. Yes, it’s the truth. On this laptop right now there’s probably at least 3-5 incomplete pieces I’ve started at some point in my life. Not to mention all the others that were scribbled into notebooks or random pieces of paper that I never bothered to type up. Those were thrown out during spring cleaning or whatever random cleaning my mother decided to do whenever. So I had a dream of a children’s book a few nights ago about olives & have been toying with the idea ever since. Even attempted a start at it.

Pros:
– Shorter than a novel of any kind.
– Barely needs to have words.
– Could just contain a word here or there with pictures.

Cons or well, major CON:
– I can’t draw for the life of me. Not if it involves anything besides shapes. I can’t even draw proper stick figures. Yes, I’m that awful at drawing.

Anyway, the point was that I would like to have some kind of published book, or at this point, just a completed writing piece. Since that can’t seem to materialize, I woke up a couple of mornings ago thinking blogging might not be too awful a thing.  It’ll give me practice writing. You know – figuring out where to properly place a comma & all that jazz as well as helping me to write consistently. That’s the hope, at least.

I have no idea what I’ll be writing about. Just random things, I imagine. Because I’m odd like that. Or, perhaps maybe random rants because I am an unnecessarily angry person just going through the motions of the day to get on by. Hmm, angry seems like such a strong … negative word. I’m not a violent person, not physically cruel or anything. I’m perhaps just more of a glass half-empty instead of full kinda gal. I am trying to be a more positive person. Enjoy the little things in life, stop & smell the roses or just simply take the time to notice said roses exist in the 1st place, but it’s really just easier for me to get annoyed instead of cracking a smile or breaking into a laugh. Ask my husband. Or, my brother. Perhaps writing on here will help me in that area too. I can try to capture the good times & not just the annoyances of life. Perhaps writing will be good for my soul. Ha! How cliche do I sound?!

Anywhoways, feel free to join me in this attempting-to-write-consistently journey, or whatever it is. We’ll see what it’ll turn into. Maybe if I manage, all these pieces can be combined into a book of some sort later on … wouldn’t that be awesome? Ah well, we’ll see. My goal is to just write. A piece a day would be ambitious but truth be told, I’m lazy. So realistically, maybe a piece a week?

Feel free to share thoughts, pointers, positivity … &/or negativity too. It’s all a learning process on my part. Welcome 🙂